MINDLESS BEHIND THE WHEEL

Why is it that every time we get behind the steering wheel of our vehicle, we lose our minds? Oh yes, you see it all the time. You see it… Yes, you. You see other drivers doing the most oddball things, or mindless things, even things that piss you off. But do they ever catch you doing dumb crap? Why, yes, yes they do. No, don’t deny it. You can’t. Do you know why? Well, I’ll tell you. Most of the time, you don’t know that you’re even doing anything stupid, or wrong. And if you do know you’re being an idiot, it does not register that other drivers can see you.

It is all psychological. When we get into our cars, we forget that our window glass is all two-way. Everyone can see us, yet we forget that. So we do dumb things. Some things cannot be helped, maybe. But others are just passing thoughts that our bodies respond to.

I recently started a new job. I drive usually 45 minutes to get to work and sometimes longer to get home. I’ve never had to drive that long to get to any job before in my life. My longest drive was 25 minutes one way. And oh boy!…Do I see some funny stuff. And sometimes some dangerous stuff.

You see it all: nose picking, nose blowing, eating, drinking, smoking, texting, ear digging, ass picking, even other things you wish you’d never seen…such as people having a little “fun” with themselves, if you get my drift. Or maybe having “fun” with someone else.

My funniest story is I was driving for about 2 miles behind this guy. I thought he was talking on his cell phone because he had his right hand and arm in such a position. But then, I noticed the shape near his head. I worried that it was a pistol he had held to his head. Should I call 911? What do I say? Do I follow him? Oh God!…After about 2 miles, he finally pulled his finger out of his ear.

Now, the next thing that shocked me was how the woman next to me decided to take off her bra while she was driving. I mean, okay. No, she wasn’t even discreet about it.

How many times do I see people driving and smoking marijuana. Really? I don’t care what marijuana advocates say, it still impairs judgment and one should not be doing that while they’re driving just like one should not be drinking and driving.

Another thing I encountered, in fact it was just Friday on the way home, a dude driving alone, in traffic. I’m behind him for 5 minutes. The woman driving to the left of him kept watching him and swerving. Then I realized what she was looking at when the head of this girl popped up in the passenger seat next to that guy. Being behind him, I had no idea he had company in the car with him. Okay?…Another thing you should do at home.

And to that person I’ve run into a couple of times in the Trans Am. Yes, you, with that license plate that reads “Rdy Aym.” What are you aiming at?…Well if you don’t drive faster you’ll never reach your target. At least we can do the speed limit. Oh, & about that plate #. If you don’t want anyone to comment on it on the internet, then don’t get rid of that number. (Here’s me praying the car doesn’t belong to a cop and now he’s going to hunt me down like a fugitive.)

Also, to that blondie that kept blowing that horn this past Friday on 55th St…No one’s going anywhere! Stop blowing the horn. Traffic is bumper to bumper you dimwitted asshat. If you don’t like other cars, move to the country and leave the rest of us the hell alone.

To that old lady with the 5 Dobermans in your Lexus. Can you please let one of them drive next time? I think they’d be better at it.

I roll up next to this guy eating McDonald’s. He’s shoveling that shit in like there was no tomorrow. Dude. It’s called lunch. If you’d eat lunch at work, you wouldn’t have a headache by the end of the day and turn into a pig.

And to that dark-haired woman who…yes, in the Ford Focus…who was talking on her cell, smoking a cigarette and trying to pop the top on a Pepsi can… Try putting the call phone down dumbass, before you attempt to open the can. Here’s what happened from my POV. Woman’s driving 35 mph, cigarette in one hand…same hand on the wheel, cell in the other hand. Next thing I know both hands are off the wheel while driving to open Pepsi can, cell phone now shouldered to her ear, Pepsi in one hand, cigarette in the hand trying to pop the tab while the car drives itself up onto the curb. Pepsi explodes, spewing all over the windshield and the driver. She slams on her breaks and hits a sign post. Me, I’m really, really pissed off as I’m behind her. However, I stayed my distance as I had a first-hand look as the story unfolded. I never saw a stupider person yet, but I’m sure I will soon enough.

Oh the things I have to endure on the road!