Hoping to Die

HarsH ReaLiTy

There was a time in my life when the land was covered in darkness. It did not matter what time of the day it was there was simply no light. I walked the world a ghost and prayed to any god that would listen that he or she would simply end it for me. I wanted to die. I wrote the below poem in remembrance of that time of weakness.

And there they lay. The tools of the day. A razor, a pile of pills, and a bottle of Tanqueray.

I have stared in the mirror for hours. All have gone to bed. With each tear has come resolve. We may as well end it all. I hate you. With a hand I gulp the pills, the bottle is already near. I gulp death’s companion. And to the left are the backup dancers.

A letter to someone… I hope… anyone?

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… and that’s why they will never be me.

I think it’s ridiculous…actually, it’s awful, how some people try to stop other people from being individuals. From being who they are. From doing what they must to bring fillment into their life.

People who question the choices of others who are deciphering life’s passages, really have no life of their own. Or they’re just damn right jealous. Listen, if you say you want to buy a new car, and you have a job and are credit worthy, you should be able to buy a new car. And no one, and I mean no one!…especially if you are an adult, should put in their 2 cents. They shouldn’t tell you whether or not you should buy a car. If it’s a mistake, it’s your mistake to make and all others need to shut their damn mouths.

If you want a Dodge and everyone else tells you you should buy a Ford, buy that damn Dodge. And if you want a yellow car, and everybody else is telling you should get a black or white car, buy the yellow one.

Never ever let other people deter you from your goal. Do not let them project their wants, or likes and dislikes on to you. Do what makes you happy.

Of course, like everything else, there should be a limit to this. Let’s stick to buying cars, making trips around the world, starting new jobs, or finding a new place to live. Or whether you want a dog or cat. Now when you’re out to do harm to others, or yourself, that’s when you should heed the opinions of others, and look at them as valued. Let’s live legally. We’ll all be happier that way.

I find that when trying to make life’s decisions, the naysayers get in the way. And they say things like, “Well I would never do that. I’d rather have this over that.” Well guess what God damn it, go and get it!…and leave me the hell alone. Leave all of us the hell alone. There’s some people too afraid to make a leap; to make a huge decision. They do not want to adult…Hell, no. They just freeze! And then, right when your ready to jump into the deep end, here they come with their negativity and fears…often, it’s fear of your success… of you finding happiness, or whatever it is that you seek. They fear your courage. Because they don’t have it. And they don’t want to find it. They want to, maybe unconsciously, deter you from seeking happiness altogether, much less finding it.

Too many people in the world are just sitting back floating. While many of us like to float, I prefer to float…in a swimming pool. Or in a boat on a lake. Just don’t float through what’s left of your life. If you are doing this, and you are depressed, maybe that’s why you are depressed. People can get depressed because they are being held back by their own ho-humming. There is no one responsible for your life but you. And only you! If you feel people are holding you down or are responsible for your situation, you should take a look at what you are missing. Is it education? Experience? A good attitude? Perseverance? Gumption? Hmm…I wonder. Shuck off those weights and step across that threshold that you, yourself, built to keep you in line. To keep you from living.

So what do you think? That you’re too poor, too rich, red-haired, too old, etc., to do this or that? No, you’re not. You’re just a stick-in-the-mud. Am I right? Take a good look at you. Are you a stick? If you are not a stick, but a human, jump out of the mud. As for me, I’m out…

I’m out, because I am magic…and they can never be me.

Thank you for reading. As you can see, my blog is once again alive. And I will start posting again. I’ve been through some trying times this last couple years. I was at a bad place, fighting many demons, most of my own creation. I have felt nothing but numbness and bitterness. Filling with rage. But I was not always like that. Where did I go? Even the things I love doing the most like writing and reading have suffered. The things that used to bring me happiness only caused me more pain, because I could not do them. I could not participate. And when I looked in the mirror, I saw the action behind me, but I was frozen. Like a stick in the mud. This has been going on for so long, I thought that, every now and then, I had gotten my head above water. That I was free. I even wrote blogs and Facebook posts about it. But I was just a fool. Now I have truly overcome. I have, indeed, crawled out of the mud.

I am magic. And they can never be me.


Chicago Down- Cover Blurb

Greetings all,

I’m working on a draft of Chicago Down’s back cover description.  Here’s a peek at what I’ve compiled from the short synopsis so far. I’m still working on trying to dwindle it a bit more.


Salbatora vows to honor her father’s last request: find Eliot Ness to help free her brother who was wrongly arrested for Prohibition violations. She abandons her Texas home, leaving behind memories, and the living dead.

Ness isn’t the only thing Sal finds. Chicago struggles under Prohibition. While its citizens covertly indulge in spirits, a sinister darkness grows. Born of greed, it’s more disturbing than a lust for alcohol. While gangsters battle over territories, the undead have no preference as they run amok, and the Illinois governor has lost his mind to a madcap plot to corral Chicago’s mounting zombie populace.

An unlikely team, Sal Guerrera, Eliot Ness, and Al Capone form an unusual camaraderie as they fight the Screamin’ Mimis, as Al calls them. They develop a strategy to deter the governor’s plan which will collapse the weakened city. But can they end the evil’s terrorizing hold? When they learn how the dead sprang to life, they must strike at the source to set Chicago free. And they may not survive alive.

Chicago, are you ready for your unsung heroes? (Note: this line is slated for the cover, as opposed to the back blurb.)

Copyright 2017 Wanda Paryla